Lately I’ve been thinking about my life and the choices I’ve made in my life. Of course one of the biggest one’s was accepting Jesus and choosing to live for him. For a fact, I know that I’d never want to forfeit my faith for anything less. I know what I am to do, and for the most part I think I’m able to refuse certain addictions and desires in order to be faithful. And some days it’s not easy, somedays I fail. I’ve been wanting to take some time out of my life and assess what my faith currently means to me. What my salvation amounts to and whether or not I am living out my salvation. Honestly, if I were to assess without actually assessing I would say that my life does not illustrate my salvation. This does not mean that I’m not saved anymore, it just means I need to re-assess what truly matters to me. For the past few months and maybe even year now, I’ve noticed that I’m an inconsistent individual. Whatever has caused me to be so, I have difficulties staying committed in my relationship with God. Evidently, I have commitment issues. I don’t constantly live out my days praising Jesus or spending time with him but I’ve tasted his goodness, only for a moment. I’ve smelt his everlasting love, for a minute…I know how wonderful it is to be involved with the one who saved me but I’m uncommitted and I’m having troubles understanding why. Why can’t I commit to Jesus? Why don’t I spend everyday looking to Him? Why is this so hard for me? Why do I feel this way sometimes?
Truthfully speaking, I hate writing out my thoughts and feel like stopping right this moment. It’s impossible for me to express my exact feelings as they cluster themselves between the cracks and depths in my brain. One reason why I’m so inconsistent and uncommitted is because of my heart. If I’m inconsistent in my relationship with Jesus, it’s probably because my heart is not focused and centred on him. However, I can’t pin-point what my heart is actually focused on (maybe I hate writing because I’m too much of a circulatory individual, do my thoughts ever lead me somewhere other than in circles? I’m afraid not).
I think it’s problematic that my salvation doesn’t seem evident in my everyday life. I feel dead, spiritually. And I can’t stand that I’m so inconsistent. I should question what my salvation really means, constantly or else I’m living in vain. Completely.
So, I read the Word of God this morning and I was given more clarity. I decided to read Ephesians 1 as it spoke about salvation. Paul explains to the people of Ephesus that God planned for us to be in his family, long before Christ came. As we are adopted into God’s family, we are to be holy and blameless, as He desires. As a believer, I am to be living heavenly while in the world. My heavenliness doesn’t start when I’m finally in God’s Kingdom but now, while on Earth. I am to be a living example of what heavenliness beholds. Therefore, believers were given a seal. The seal being the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is not only the representation, evidence and a promise of security and possession but longs to live in me, to be alive and embraced. While reading, I reminded myself that the Holy Spirit jealously longs for me. Of course he does. As I’m suppose to be living as a child of God, as a MEMBER of his family, as a person SAVED, the Spirit longs for me to experience what’s beyond the earthly realm.
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ.” - Ephesians 1:3
How incredible is it to know that God has given me and all believers, now and to come, ALL spiritual blessing. How is it that God wants me to experience the things of heaven NOW. How incredible is it that I am able to even experience heaven in this crazy world, where I crave to be different. The excitement of the world soon enough coming into HARMONY by Christ’s authorship. The Spirit is too kind, patient and persistent, in which I don’t deserve. To long for me…when I refuse to do the same. To be jealous…for me….? The Spirit only wants me to know of God’s goodness, to live fully in which God longed for us to do from the beginning. How can it be that I am meant to be heavenly while here on earth. How can it be, how can this be?
I find myself humbled by God’s unending love. How is it that God is willing to give me all of himself, his riches?
What a gift I can’t even fathom…